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Rataouille
Five Hearts

"So at what point do these Titans actually clash?"

Written by Steven Walker

There is a great movie here somewhere.  I really hate movies like this; where glimmers of potential shine through every ten minutes or so, and there are some really solid moments, but whole is a total failure.  The original is a classic thanks to Ray Harryhausen, but it’s hardly a sacred cow.  There was serious room for improvement, but the remake fails to deliver it.  The opening 30 minutes is garbage and none of the potentially interesting ideas or characters are given a chance to live.  The Kraken, who is presented as the primary threat throughout the film, shows up for 3 minutes at the end and is instantly killed.  Yes, it look amazing, but it goes out like a little bitch so it doesn’t matter.

There is not a single character in this movie worth a damn.  Really good actors like Sam Worthington, Mads Mikkelsen, Liam Neeson, and Jason Flemyng are wasted.  There characters are stone long before they get to Medusa.  Harry Hamlin may have had the charisma of gravel, but at least he had motivations that made sense and a genuine character arc.  The closest thing to compelling is Ralph Fiennes as Hades, but even that is hard to watch without thinking of Voldemort, who is a vastly superior villain.

Then you have characters like the guy made out of wood, who looks so freaking cool that you want to see a whole movie based around him, but he is given absolutely no personality or distinctiveness beyond the fact that he is made out of wood.  Minor characters are introduced and given two generic lines of dialogue, then killed off in a manner that suggests I was supposed to care about them, but how can I?  No one behaves like a real person in this movie.  Even the extras in the crowd scenes look artificially posed and I do not believe for a second that they represent a functioning society. 

This is the ultimate example of movie making by committee.  Nothing feels genuine.  Nothing feels lived in.  Nothing feels real.  Pick any ten minutes of the Lord of the Rings at random and you will get more thrills, more pathos, and more artistry than the entire runtime of this crap-fest.

 

 

 

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